So here's an article I wrote that they'll never publish.
In regards to the article,"USU club swim team powered by passion," I would like to point out a troubling fact. The future is upon us. What John Henry learned by having his heart explode, we can learn less painfully. That is, the age of men (and ladyfolk) powered by passion is over. It's time to make the upgrade to steam power.
BYU and U of U have already made the switch, and their swimmers are annihilating everyone who dares oppose them. It helps that they are swimming in an endless fuel source (because water becomes steam when you heat it, according to Wikipedia and also common sense and also my mom, who is always right).
This...is the future.
What USU doesn't yet realize is that the true power of mankind (or ladyfolkkind) rests in its ability to innovate, thus overcoming its own weakness and prolonging its mortality a day or so more until the inevitable occurs and we die, miserable, sad, and alone.
But, on that note, look how unmiserable, unsad, and unalone we would all be with our Steampunk friends!
Lung Cancer? Not possible if you're smoking steam!
We will never outswim a dolphin with passion alone, but with steam-powered jets and a well-placed harpoon, we have a chance. The same goes for these other swim teams. Folks, I am not a fit man. But even I, steampunked out with turbines and a monocle (because they all wear monocles, look it up), could destroy Michael Phelps in a 50 meter butterfly sprint.
These things burn your ears like crazy, but it's worth it because they are the most pimp.
The point I'm getting at here is that the days of the strong heart and will to win are over. It's time we start looking to the future of swimming and of civilization. Steam power is that future.
