Here's an editorial response that I wrote and that the University almost published. I quote, "We'll publish it if nothing else comes in." Enjoy.
In regards to the article "Biggest Loser returns to campus," I would like to state that the rumors are false and that my former roommate, Brad, has not in fact returned. Call it misinformation or wayward gossip, but he remains at BYU, seeking out his dreams of becoming the biggest loser of all time.
It is understandable that you may think you recognized him on campus as there is another anemic ginger who can be seen prowling about campus, searching for unwilling victims to tell all about his blossoming career in the music industry. But this boy is in no way comparable to my former roommate, whose very presence sucks the coolness out of a room.
It is understandable that you may think you recognized him on campus as there is another anemic ginger who can be seen prowling about campus, searching for unwilling victims to tell all about his blossoming career in the music industry. But this boy is in no way comparable to my former roommate, whose very presence sucks the coolness out of a room.
"I wish I wasn't such a loser...BUT I AM!"
The once and future king of lame was in town several weeks ago, which explains the recent lack of extreme motocross and heavy metal around town. But the lasting malaise of his visit should not be misconstrued as his presence when it is only the lingering echoes of a wasted life.
If he does return for an extended period, there will be a flash of puce light on the southern horizon and the sound of New Wave music rising up over the homes of Logan's people. You will know when the biggest loser has returned by the sudden smell of sadness and bad eggs in the air and a twinge in your left thigh that will make you remember your worst birthday party (the one where Jenny blew out your candles and Artie pushed you off the trampoline).
If he does return for an extended period, there will be a flash of puce light on the southern horizon and the sound of New Wave music rising up over the homes of Logan's people. You will know when the biggest loser has returned by the sudden smell of sadness and bad eggs in the air and a twinge in your left thigh that will make you remember your worst birthday party (the one where Jenny blew out your candles and Artie pushed you off the trampoline).
"Maybe if I artsy up my photo, friends will follow!"
(They will not)
As for now, and the foreseeable future, there is no looming threat. Rest easy, citizens of Logan. I will let you know the information as it comes in.
Any sightings should be e-mailed directly to me under the subject heading: "DOOD!!!1! Chump alert!!"
Thank you for your cooperation.
That face can mean only one thing: He has realized that he will be forever alone and is about to burst into tears.
In conclusion, you are a loser. Your move.
Sincerely and with love,
CL
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ReplyDelete:& (That is LITERALLY the face I made as I wrote this)
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