Oh most crimson of all Lizards!
GLORY! I have arrived at last. And oh what a journey it has been, a very big and very epic journey. It was so crazy I have blacked most of it out of my memory to preserve any future happiness from being diminished by its greatness. YOU HAVE NO IDEA! But for the sake of enlightenment I will attempt to piece together the foggy memories of these past few months.
It all starts with a face, or skin rather. As you well know my skin is fairly reflective, so reflective in fact that I have been used as a light card in some student films. Because of this uber-shine property I decided to grow out hair on my face to reduce my shine to a level that could be comprehended by the human eye. I found much success.
GLORY! I have arrived at last. And oh what a journey it has been, a very big and very epic journey. It was so crazy I have blacked most of it out of my memory to preserve any future happiness from being diminished by its greatness. YOU HAVE NO IDEA! But for the sake of enlightenment I will attempt to piece together the foggy memories of these past few months.
It all starts with a face, or skin rather. As you well know my skin is fairly reflective, so reflective in fact that I have been used as a light card in some student films. Because of this uber-shine property I decided to grow out hair on my face to reduce my shine to a level that could be comprehended by the human eye. I found much success.
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| For the Beard Loves YOU!!!!! |
For years all was well until the fateful day I discovered my brain was applying for a transfer to BYU, a school filled with hairless candy-coated creatures they call "cougars" (this is confusing, because based on TV culture I thought cougars were something different all together, my desire to see Cougar Town has diminished from slightly-curious to cut-out-my-eyes). Despite the best effort of my darkness, the brain somehow won out and I set out on what was sure to be a semi-bland adventure in human experimentation. After months of mental preparation and crying, I decided it was time to destroy the mane that God had granted. I would shortly learn that this would be a drastic mistake.
You see it had been so long since my face had been infected with the shiny (if you remember correctly, whilst I was a humble missionary I caught a rare face-light related illness that made me absorb light for about a year) that I completely forgot about the potential repercussions. And sure enough, just as I realized the threat I had become, a giant space craft fell out of the sky, the blinded pilot screaming as he burned in the wreckage.
You see it had been so long since my face had been infected with the shiny (if you remember correctly, whilst I was a humble missionary I caught a rare face-light related illness that made me absorb light for about a year) that I completely forgot about the potential repercussions. And sure enough, just as I realized the threat I had become, a giant space craft fell out of the sky, the blinded pilot screaming as he burned in the wreckage.
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| I am the best at drawing space things |
Things get a little bit very blurry for a few days. I remember a black toaster, and a hand covered in strawberry jello, also I think I remember seeing a rabbit that could only walk in reverse, but could roll in what ever direction it wanted. I named it Chadrick. Try as I might, I can't piece together exactly what happened during that time, but my memory starts to come back together after I had become a captive of the Merztri empire in their galactic battle with the far inferior planets run by the Phfph collective.
Oh Lizard, I am ashamed to say that I was forced to take part in many a horrible activity in this bloody war. In the case of the poor planet 5@, a high intensity laser was amplified and reflected off my face. The power of the laser was so great that the whole planet lasted only 16 minutes. This seems like a short period of time in the long run, but feels like ages when it's spent with a laser on your face. This was one event of many my friend. I was used like a flash grenade a few times, occasionally used to help soldiers see around corners, and after the war slowed down I spent a substantial amount of time employed as a mirror in a Merztri beauty salon.
Thinks go dark again. I think I lived in a crate for a while, then I think there was some sort of incident involving a poorly time investment takeover of the bridge that was over me to make room for apartment complexes. Whatever the reason, I found myself placed back on earth somewhere in the Asian ish regions. There I met Bayarmaa, a Mongol witch doctor of sorts that taught me to control my facial shine through mediation and drug abuse. I believe the home made narcotics are mostly to blame for the continual memory lapses.
Some what around the month of 9 I was able to sell Bayarmaa to a visiting Sheik in exchange for safe passage back to the states. She was very upset with me, which I can understand, but at the same time... I can’t.
So I ended up back in Provo land, which is about as close to earth as a man in my situation could hope for. There is still more to this story, but it will have to wait. Fringe is calling me. And I am a slave to its beautiful beautyness. ness.
So till next time, Remember kids
SB
Oh Lizard, I am ashamed to say that I was forced to take part in many a horrible activity in this bloody war. In the case of the poor planet 5@, a high intensity laser was amplified and reflected off my face. The power of the laser was so great that the whole planet lasted only 16 minutes. This seems like a short period of time in the long run, but feels like ages when it's spent with a laser on your face. This was one event of many my friend. I was used like a flash grenade a few times, occasionally used to help soldiers see around corners, and after the war slowed down I spent a substantial amount of time employed as a mirror in a Merztri beauty salon.
Thinks go dark again. I think I lived in a crate for a while, then I think there was some sort of incident involving a poorly time investment takeover of the bridge that was over me to make room for apartment complexes. Whatever the reason, I found myself placed back on earth somewhere in the Asian ish regions. There I met Bayarmaa, a Mongol witch doctor of sorts that taught me to control my facial shine through mediation and drug abuse. I believe the home made narcotics are mostly to blame for the continual memory lapses.
Some what around the month of 9 I was able to sell Bayarmaa to a visiting Sheik in exchange for safe passage back to the states. She was very upset with me, which I can understand, but at the same time... I can’t.
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| I should design clothing. For realz yo. |
So I ended up back in Provo land, which is about as close to earth as a man in my situation could hope for. There is still more to this story, but it will have to wait. Fringe is calling me. And I am a slave to its beautiful beautyness. ness.
So till next time, Remember kids
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| yes. |
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