The Origin of Discontent

  Friendlies

HOW ARE YOU!!!!  That sux.  

The hardest thing about trying to co-write a blog is all the pressure to produce material.  Since that very first day not an hour has past that the Lizard hasn't pounded my head against the wall of facebook while demanding me to write quickly.  It was horrible.

In response to this I tried to fill my life with extreme experiences, but you would be surprised how difficult it is to arrange these type of things with as little effort as I am willing to put forward.   The only thing I really managed to do was go night hiking up into wilderness on a new moon.  

It was terrifying.

I spent the entire hike being completely unaware of even the most immediate surroundings.  Ended up for a rather dull story, as I was incapable of experiencing of anything but basic disorientation.  But I do imagine that lurking right behind the darkness was this....

I am afraid of the not-dark

Given the circumstances, I feel better that it was black as an inappropriate cultural reference, because if you think about it there are two options.  Either this thing exists and your totally effed, or it doesn’t and your fine.  Either way in darkness you can be comfortable! With light you only have a 50% chance. 

REGARDLESS, today I was sitting at home having a jolly good time when the sister threw some kind of manipulative fit about me coming with her to buy new shoes so she wouldn't have to "be alone."  Suddenly I knew exactly what I would write about.  My little sister Kristen the evil and horrible. 

The semi-illustrated story of the begining of all that matters

It begins thusly:

Once upon a long ago, there was in fact born a very tiny human baby.  Oh such a tiny baby he was.  So tiny that people, who generally love tiny things, gave him all the love.

To top all of this off, even after immediate infant stages, the boy stayed quite tiny.  And with the tiny, stayed the cute, and attention.                                    
Then after only two years, the worst thing ever happened.  Momsy announced that she was to have another child.  ANOTHER TINY TINY CHILD. And so the no longer tiny, but simply small boy went from happy to sad.

And then from sad to evil.

Sad accomplishes nothing.  Evil is Action!

Soon the new child was born, and just when the boy thought nothing could get worse, the most shocking discover of all was unveiled.  SHE WAS EXCEPTIONALLY TINY!!!!! Never before had an infant of such minuscule proportions been birthed.  

It was at this point that what ever bubbly sun filled feelings he had left the boy, and all was anger and malice forever.  Being only 2 he was quite incapable of any extreme forms of terror, but he would often day dream of oppressing groups of destitute peasants dressed in dirty robes held together by rope belts.  He would see the wasted coal mining potential of children underage who sat lazily at home.  He had such dreams of grandeur, but for the time he could only pace and let the evil seep out of his aura. 

This still occasionally happens to me

Finally after a few short months he decided it was time for action.  He began stalking the little girl, and memorized her extremely dull daily routing.  It consisted mostly of sleeping and other types of useless things.  To top it all off, it seemed she was always with the mother, with whom he had little grudge.  But sacrifices had to be made.  So he carefully waited for his opening and sprung into action.

IT WAS MASTERFULL!  Yet somehow both mother and child made it through in tact! The boy realized it was because the plan was made in too much haste, and decided that he would carefully bide his time until suspicion was averted and strike with twice the preparation.   

Fast forward 3 years.  The parents had been slightly fooled into thinking the small boy had forgotten his grudge against the tiny girl, and had been successfully tricked into thinking the two had become... friends.  
It was during a game of 'hide-and-seek'.  The tiny girl was curled up in some concealed position while believing the small boy to be looking for her.  But rather then wasting his precious time seeking that which he wished to never be found, he was busy making a large red streak on the carpet using the most massive red crayon man had ever seen.  And much to his elation, it only took a few short minutes for mother to notice and shout for her two youngest children.   Of course the immediate question posed was "WHO!!!!!!?" to which the small boy quickly responded

OOOOH he had her now.  She would be forced into misery against her will!  Yet something ridiculous happened!

all young girls have running mascara

RUINED!!!!! RUINED AGAIN!!!!! Yes, she was punished, but only have as much as if she was to get angry and fussy.  She got like a whole freaking 2 minutes time out.  No getting sold into slavery, no getting left in the slums to fight for herself!!!!!!  FOILED AGAIN!!!!!!!!

So all was aweful, and remained so for all the rest of his years.

True story.  I really tried tried for years to get rid of her.  I once convinced her that she was adopted and should leave to find her real parents who missed her.  About a year later I got her to believe she would be better off living on her own at 7 years old.  I haven't given up on my parents will yet either,  santa always gets a side note of something like "A new Sister" or "For Kristen to be given to the gypsies".  But here I am 21 years after her birth still dealing with all the crap.  

I have found ways of dealing with the stress thought.  For a while I tried to make fake friends so she would be jelous of me, but they all eventually left me for real friends (others may call them spouses).  But recently I have kept my self busy by trying my best to upstage the lead in a production of Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat.

don't question the extra joints.  It just makes me better than you

Regardless, this is a persisting problem.  And I am open to suggestions.  

Ok so I've been writing for an eternity so I'm gonna say good night.  Look forward to another post by Mr. Lizard just around the corner.  It may even be accompanied by more pretty illustrations.  

Well until next time

Go to hell.

SB